Distance

There is something lonely about the landscape of middle California. I took the train down to Los Angeles last week and it wasn't as peaceful as I remember it being. Maybe it had something to do with the hour long delay on the way down. Or maybe the charm of traveling by train has worn off. Next time I'll probably fly.

It had been so long since I ran away to LA. Last summer I was too poor to take my annual trip to clear my head, which is probably why I've been feeling so off lately. It didn't make any sense, I have so many good things going on in my life, yet there was a lingering cloud of unease. I couldn't put my finger on it.

Perspective. I needed to leave to gain perspective.

I needed to spend time with one of my favorite people in the world. I needed to walk everywhere and eat delicious food. I needed to get out of Santa Rosa and break my daily routine that has become stale.

Most importantly, I needed to be around my creative partner to fall back in love with my story. I've been working on Delirium for four years now, which makes it my longest running project. After struggling with it for a year, I realized it needed to be a graphic novel because the story couldn't just be told in one point of view. And what better person to have illustrate than your best friend?

Your insanely talented best friend.

But then because I am a crazy person, I kept trying to write it as a traditional story anyway. It took half a bottle of wine and spending a weekend with Blair to finally start writing it as it was meant to be. Granted, I regret writing while mildly intoxicated, but I am at least going in the right direction.

Luckily we are both struggling with the project, so we can commiserate together.

Final Thoughts on June

Over the years I've been collecting books on writing, usually from required reading lists in various creative writing classes. I would read the chapters assigned and then place them on a shelf to collect dust; but then something happened last week. I pulled them all down from the shelf where they were neatly organized and I began to go through them for inspiration. Granted, I got them down to find prompts for the Writer's Block meeting, but I didn't stop there.

I think my brain is finally ready to jump back into my stories. I've been wondering about my characters lately and July is a great time to find out what they're all up to. Zillah is still in that damn diner and Madeline just wants to understand why she lets the man she loves break her down into smaller and smaller pieces. I don't even know what's going on with my demigod siblings.

Part of my hesitation is because when I look back at my stories, I realize how awful they are. Not the ideas or the characters, but how I wrote everything. It's crazy to think about how much I've grown as a writer in the last year. I'm pretty sure it's more than I have in the previous five years. I was so afraid that the writing program would be too much for me, but I stayed afloat and my skills shot up into the sky. I'm really proud of myself.

So since it's almost July and I haven't done it in a while, I think I'm going to sign up for Camp NaNoWriMo. I need a reason to show up every day to write. I still haven't quite gotten to the point where I can do it without an "assignment." Plus, this time I have a community of writers to keep me motivated. Seriously, starting Writer's Block is probably one of my favorites things from this summer so far.

 

 I'm so ready. 

In other news, I've been making myself more and more at home at the shop. In honor of Pride (and the Supreme Court ruling) I made a display of comics/trades that feature LGBT+ characters. It was my favorite display yet!

 I want to decorate the entire store in rainbows.

AND I just checked the Girls With Issues Facebook group (the ladies comic book club) and we have 70+ members! Even though we only have about 20 women show up to the meetings, it is fricken awesome that so many want to be part of our community. 

I never imagined working at Comics FTW would be so rewarding. I just thought it'd be cool to get cheap comics. 

June was a pretty good month.

Clarity

Showing up every day to write is difficult. Very difficult. But it is my job, right? I chose to be a writer, out of all the things I could've been. Well, to say I chose it wouldn't be entirely true. It is part of me. I can't survive without expressing myself on the page. If I don't write, I feel disconnected. It's how I process this big confusing world.

Even still, writing every day is hard. Some days I can only dribble out a few awful sentences. But some days I find that one sentence or phrase that resonates. One that longs to be something bigger. This week it was, "the ravens are calling." I have no idea what it means, but it stuck. I think it needs to be part of poem.

I've been working on showing up to write every day. I date my entries so I know what days I miss. It's not going great, but it's a process and I'm at least writing more than once a week. It's something.

Being out of school is fantastic because I have all this free time to do things that I love. I've been spending more time at the comic shop. I finally have been setting up our website and figuring out twitter so we can build our online presence. The downfall of all this free time is the inevitable self reflection that comes with it. Suddenly I have all this time to think.

 And I have time to get new glasses! 

(it's only been eight years...)

Remember all that talk of being kinder to myself? I'm trying, I really am. Every day I am dispelling the constant, "you aren't good enough, your life is a mess" thoughts that float through my head.

My life isn't a mess. I am loved. I have value. I can show up every day and write, even if it is a page on nonsense, because sometimes the ravens call and I find the little things that will grow into something bigger.

Still Learning

 Do you ever have days where you feel like you can't do anything right?

I don't expect to be the best at anything, but I'd like to be good at something. Anything, really. Some days I feel that I am falling short of being good at anything, except being the grumpiest person in the room. There's this lingering feeling that I'm not good enough. Not a good enough friend, employee, family member, person. I don't even know what standard I am trying to reach. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself. I always am.


For example, grade for Spring semester were finally posted on Friday. What was first elation that I managed to pass all my classes now has settled into reflection of all the things I could have done better.

 

My grades are really good. I have to keep reminding myself that not only am I at a university for the first time, I am also commuting for the first time and having to battle my anxiety on a grander scale than I ever have before. It was a miracle that I made it through my first year at SF State in one piece, let alone with a 3.65 GPA. 

I have been trying to be better at self-care, but I keep leaving out the part where I am kind to myself. I forget to celebrate my victories and forgive my mistakes. I dwell way too long on my failures and flaws. I mean, I do allow myself guilty pleasures, such as living in my new Alkaline Trio shirt for a week straight. 

I really need to wash it.

I allow myself days where I don't get dressed and zone out on TV shows without (much) judgement. I don't beat myself up too bad for missing social things when I can't muster the courage to go out. So I am getting better at taking days to decompress, but I really need to remember to think kindly of myself. To internalize all the encouragement and support I give to others. I need to practice self-love more than just self-care. 

So in an attempt of self-love (and to be brave and proud of my creations), here is a poem I wrote a couple months ago for an assignment. Those of you that know me know that I don't often share my poetry, but I'm thinking I should change that. I know at least one person enjoyed this poem, so who knows? maybe others will too.

Jump Ship

Last night, you

climbed over the railing, you

struck the water like an anchor, but you

sunk faster, pulled down into the abyss, you

trailed sheer fabric, a glittering fish drowning, you

waited until the moment when I couldn’t reach, you

twisted in the water, all grace and sorrow, you

down, down, below, you

breathed darkness

Return From the Dead

I don't quite know what happened to this blog the past year. No wait, I do know. School happened. But now that I've survived my first year at SF State, I can breathe a little and go back to the things that I love doing (e.g. writing this blog).

I've learned a lot this past year, about writing and about myself. I learned that I can still complete papers even after complete meltdowns. I learned how to manage my anxiety when I feel myself shutting down. I learned how to call myself a writer with confidence. I've also learned about my intense love for well crafted short stories. It's been a good, albeit difficult, year.

As much as I planned to be lazy this summer, I can't help but be a little productive. So last week I started a writer's group at the shop. It seems to be going well so far. I'm excited about bringing together a community for local writers and learning from them. 

I find it strange how I keep putting myself in positions of leadership, since I still have a hard time being outgoing and social. I guess it's not that surprising since I'm getting more and more involved at Comics FTW. I'm proud of myself for doing it anyway, but I really need to make sure I take days to recover.Who knows? Maybe I will get used to it after a while, maybe my social anxiety will wane.

I'm hoping that the writing group will keep me motivated to update regularly. I gave them permission to yell at me if I hadn't posted by next moth, but my real goal is to get back to weekly. I just need to remember how to collect stories and anecdotes like I used to, as well as document my adventures, even the small ones.

So look for new adventures!

Portfolio Part 1

It's July, which means it's time for another crazy month of writing. This time I will be working on my graphic novel script, Delirium. It also means I will be more scatter-brained and busy, so I won't have any long winded blog posts. Sorry guys. 

Instead, here is half of my photography portfolio since I've been promising it for weeks now. These landscapes were paired with a series of self portraits, some of which I have already posted. I know that both landscapes and self portraits can be rather boring, but I'd like to think I took a more interesting approach. 

I got really good feedback on these, so hopefully you all enjoy them as well. 

Wish me luck on writing a script! I'm about 600 words into it so far. It's not the best, but it's a start~

Practice makes perfect, right?

I'm learning that I can't make everyone happy. Not only is it impossible, but it is not my job. That is not to say that I am giving up on being kind, I'm just realizing I can't keep sacrificing my happiness for the sake of others. It is so easy to fall into a routine of selfless acts that I don't even notice that it is making me miserable. Why should I go out of my way for people who hardly return the favor? I shouldn't.

I've never minded helping people. In fact, it makes me feel awesome, but in order to help people that I love, I really need to take care of myself as well. Self care shouldn't feel selfish to me.

So as I spend the rest of the summer recharging before I transfer to SF State (!!!), I'm working on learning how to be a little more kind to myself.

I should also write more (yes, I know, I always say that) and finish my painting.

It has just been sitting on my desk. 

Oh man, the more I look at it the more disproportionate it seems. 

The crazy thing about this summer is how busy I've been. I think this is the first day I sat around in my pajamas and did nothing. It is glorious. I need to do this more often. Now that I only have two random jobs instead of three, I anticipate having slightly more free time. 

Some time this week I will upload my photography portfolio. I know I'm super behind on that. In the meantime the photos above are the infamous hair cutting sequence. I wish I would've gotten a hold on a dagger or something, but they came out well. 

And because I haven't posted in two months, here is a bonus photo of Lily:

This girl is so photogenic.