Portfolio Part 1

It's July, which means it's time for another crazy month of writing. This time I will be working on my graphic novel script, Delirium. It also means I will be more scatter-brained and busy, so I won't have any long winded blog posts. Sorry guys. 

Instead, here is half of my photography portfolio since I've been promising it for weeks now. These landscapes were paired with a series of self portraits, some of which I have already posted. I know that both landscapes and self portraits can be rather boring, but I'd like to think I took a more interesting approach. 

I got really good feedback on these, so hopefully you all enjoy them as well. 

Wish me luck on writing a script! I'm about 600 words into it so far. It's not the best, but it's a start~

Practice makes perfect, right?

I'm learning that I can't make everyone happy. Not only is it impossible, but it is not my job. That is not to say that I am giving up on being kind, I'm just realizing I can't keep sacrificing my happiness for the sake of others. It is so easy to fall into a routine of selfless acts that I don't even notice that it is making me miserable. Why should I go out of my way for people who hardly return the favor? I shouldn't.

I've never minded helping people. In fact, it makes me feel awesome, but in order to help people that I love, I really need to take care of myself as well. Self care shouldn't feel selfish to me.

So as I spend the rest of the summer recharging before I transfer to SF State (!!!), I'm working on learning how to be a little more kind to myself.

I should also write more (yes, I know, I always say that) and finish my painting.

It has just been sitting on my desk. 

Oh man, the more I look at it the more disproportionate it seems. 

The crazy thing about this summer is how busy I've been. I think this is the first day I sat around in my pajamas and did nothing. It is glorious. I need to do this more often. Now that I only have two random jobs instead of three, I anticipate having slightly more free time. 

Some time this week I will upload my photography portfolio. I know I'm super behind on that. In the meantime the photos above are the infamous hair cutting sequence. I wish I would've gotten a hold on a dagger or something, but they came out well. 

And because I haven't posted in two months, here is a bonus photo of Lily:

This girl is so photogenic. 

Fat Unicorns and Other Discoveries

So I've fallen in love with fat unicorns. For a couple weeks, it was been my only contribution to Art Night at the shop. I'm not sure how or why it happened, but it seems to be helping my mood. Somehow.

Or maybe Art Night is helping. Every Wednesday an assortment of artists hangout, drink beer and doodle on a giant sheet of paper. A couple weeks ago the power went out about an hour into our session. Without skipping a beat we all pulled out flashlights and cell phones to light up our area. It was amazing (and also the reason the picture above is so dark).

Sometimes I draw things and someone else colors it or vice-versa. I'm not even sure what the spooky monster on the left was originally supposed to be, but I went crazy with oil pastels.

I think that sometimes I get so caught up in my head that I don't realize things aren't as bad as they seem. Everyday activities were becoming unbearable and overwhelming. There were days that I had to talk myself into getting out of bed. I know that everyone goes through this at some point. Thankfully, mine seems to be over. 

And I am so thankful that I have the shop to keep me busy on days that I feel useless. No matter how terrible my mood is, I always manage to pull myself together when I'm there. Honestly, hanging out and working at Comics FTW has pretty much helped me change my life into something I could live with after "the breakup". Not to mention it helped me make new friends. 

Friends that take me to awesome antique shops. 

(I really wanted that horse)

So I guess life just works out sometimes. You just have to be patient and wait out the crappy parts~

Oh! I almost forgot. My munchkin turned two this week! 

And she just keeps getting more awesome every day.

Overwhelmed with Life

This photo sums up my mood. 

I wish I could say that I have been feeling less overwhelmed lately. Or that I've been putting more effort into my photography. Or that I love my painting class. Alas, I cannot. 

I don't know what it is about the month before Spring that weighs me down. February has always been my least favorite month. Maybe it's because of Valentine's Day and all the fake sugary ideas of romance. Maybe it brings up old memories that wash me out. It's difficult to pin the cause.

It seems as though this crummy mood has bled into March. You know you're having a hard time keeping it together when your professor patiently listens to you explain that you won't have the assignment completed in time and she pats your arm, while saying, "Don't worry about it". Yeah, I must look like a mess.

However, I think that when I do complete my portrait assignment, it is going to be awesome. Hopefully.

But there are good things on the horizon.

The ever lovely Blair has been working on character sketches for our graphic novel Delirium.

Mischievous Doran.  

Which means, that I really need to get that script together. 

Honestly, I think I just need to make a schedule for myself. Right now my work hours are all over the place, so it's difficult to keep on top of things. Things like homework and writing. I haven't even been able to find time to read for pleasure. 

Starting next week I'll be working Saturdays at the shop, so maybe that will help me manage my time better. Not that I have been completely wasting my time. 

I've been doing cool stuff like this...

So maybe I just need to throw myself into these creative projects that surround me and ignore all the other crap that is going on. Creation always brightens me up.

The Power of Books

For the past few months, I've been having a really difficult time doing the things that I normally love. Writing. Reading. Sitting in my room and doodling. I've just been in this weird mindset where my room is less of a sanctuary and more of a cage. Which is a pity, since I spent a month remodeling and painting it.

I really need to get back into writing though. It's getting bad. The only thing I managed to produce this week was a refrigerator poem with my zombie word magnets.

I'm not even going to tell you how long this took. 

This was a strange and slow week. I had only one day of class due to the holiday. I slept about ten hours a night on average as if my body was recovering from some sort of trauma, yet things seem to be fairly mellow. I needed it though, I think. It allowed me to gather my thoughts and emotions.

It also allowed me to read Paper Towns by John Green in one sitting. I really just picked it up on a whim, but was quickly lost in the story. Before I knew it, I had parked my little tush on the couch, only getting up to refuel or pee. It's as if my desire to read had been trapped inside me and burst out all at once, causing me to fixate on this beautifully poignant novel.

Paper Towns is all about learning to see people as they really are rather than projecting our own images or ideas onto them.  And there is this epiphany towards the end where the main character realizes this and it is so profound and moving.

We live in a world where perfection is expected; when really, we're all just people who make mistakes and fall down sometimes. No one is just an idea or a great adventure or some precious object.  We're people and we change. We adapt. We do things that are expected and sometimes unexpected. 

The thing is, I've been feeling a little...intangible lately. I don't really know how to describe it other than it feels like people are seeing versions of me that aren't real. They see what they want to see.

But I am flesh and blood and bone and claws. I am not an idea. And for the first time in my life, I just want to figure out what kind of person I am. I want to see what I'm capable of. The last thing I want to do is fit inside someone's idea of what I should be.

So, I guess I was drawn into Paper Towns because it was exactly what I needed to read.

Books are magical that way.

Introspection and Rain

Rainy Sunday mornings are for laying around in cozy clothes and watching movies.

So today I stayed in bed listening to the rain until I couldn't fight my craving of coffee any longer and lazily spent the rest of the morning reading Post Secret and drinking from my dinosaur mug. Around noon I decided to finally watch The Fall, which seemed like the perfect rainy day movie.

Everything about this movie was beautifully heartbreaking. The story is set in a 1920's Los Angeles hospital, where a wounded actor befriends a little Romanian girl with a broken arm. To pass the time he tells her a fantastical story about a bandit, which we see filtered though her imagination. It's saturated with color and shot in breathtaking locations all over the world. 

I highly recommend everyone watch this film. 

Art classes update: 

I completed my self portrait assignment on time and got some positive remarks from the professor. 

A girl in my class commented that I looked sad in the photo, but it was meant to be a quiet moment of reflection. I wanted it to say something about who I am rather than just be a photo of me. My professor differentiated between the two and noticed how my body is a diagonal force against vertical and horizontal background. That wasn't even on purpose.

I also finally completed my still life painting. Well, we are moving on to the next project, so it's done unless I decide to work on it at home. I kind of don't want to look at it anymore though. 

Here it is after about twelve hours of work:

I should've picked a different brown.

It might just be the rain, but I've been feeling a little down this past week. There really wasn't anything that happened, in truth it was a pretty good week. There was absolutely nothing to complain about. Maybe I'm just getting sick or something. It would probably help if I stopped reading poems and watching movies about broken hearts though. 

I really don't need to be reminded of mine. 

Improvements

I am pleased to say that this week was considerably less terrible than the previous one. I managed to finish all my prints for photography AND develop my first role of film. I didn't even get panicky in the pitch black closet. I was so proud of myself.

Also, my first week at the comic shop happened to coincide with the release of Saga #18, which means it is the end of the current story arc (and Volume 3 will be out soon!)

Oh man, it was so good.

Seriously, you need to read them all.

And I went to the movies! So the Roxy movie theater has this Cult Series, which is a double feature of old cult films. I'm ashamed to say that I'd never been to one previous to last Thursday. It's only $10 to see two movies! Granted, yes they are old movies that I can download and watch in the comfort of my home (preferably in pajamas), but still it's cheap entertainment.

Last Thursday was the end of Month of the Bloodsucker and after getting invited out by a friend, I really couldn't refuse. I mean, who doesn't love the Lost Boys? As a bonus, I was getting to see an 80's vampire movie that I managed to miss completely.

Everyone (who loves vampires/the 80's) needs to see Near Dark. It is a ridiculous Cowboy-Vampire mash up complete with showdown at the end. Not to mention Bill Paxton being a total psychopath. Watch it for gratuitous blood, explosions and barely believable science.

This month they are having a double feature with the Rocky Horror Picture Show and the Phantom of Paradise. I'll definitely be going to that one.


In other news, my still-life panting is coming along nicely. I spent another couple hours on it, so now it looks like this:

Next week I will have more color, promise.

That pretty much wraps up my week. Not a bad ending to the first month of the year. I think I'm getting a little better at making this a weekly habit (or at least dreading it less).

Now if only I can motivate myself to work on any of the various stories I have hiding in my computer files...

Who wants to be a grown up anyway?

Last week was rough. 

It was as if the universe was testing my skills as a well adjusted adult and I most definitely failed. Okay, maybe I didn't fail per se, but I didn't do well. 

Near panic attacks from the crowded dark room in photography class and my bank account reaching new lows has me thinking about whether I can handle being a "grown up". Maybe I'm not as adjusted as I think. Or maybe I am just in a period of growth. Yeah, let's go with that.

Well I am, for the first time, learning how to stand up for myself and hold my ground. I won't go into detail, but it is safe to say that it's not going well. But I'm not giving up, because I need to value myself and not let people make me feel small (...figuratively). 

I did, however, have a great weekend hanging out at Comics FTW (which I officially start working at this week!) for Geek Trivia Night and my first ever screening of a WWE Royal Rumble. 

I was score keeper.

And I made new friends! I knew it would happen eventually if I hung out at a comic shop long enough. It's good timing too because yet another one of my friends is moving out of state. That makes two in three months. </3

In other news, I finally got to start painting! It may be just a monochromatic still life, but I was really excited to finally put some paint on the canvas. Not to mention some of the still life props were deer skulls. 

Here is about two and a half hours of work, or the under-painting. After I mess with the antlers and bottle a little more I'll add some color. I'm thinking either a blue or a brown. Not bad for a start, right? 

This makes a successful month of regular blog posts! Yes, I realize that this one is a couple days late. It still makes four posts in a month and that's pretty good. 

Hopefully by the end of the week I'll have more interesting art to show off or stories to tell. 

Here's to a better week!

B&W Photography

I don't think I have much to write about this week.

It was the first week of school and I've just been trying to fall into some sort of routine. So far I've only succeeded at being restless and aimless. Maybe I will mellow out once I start having assignments to work on. 

My first camera assignment for Intermediate Photography is a self portrait, which is great except I hate taking pictures of myself. Hopefully it the process will be more enjoyable that I think it will be. In the meantime I have to study up on all the fundamentals, since it's been over a year since my last photography course. Luckily, I just got my textbook in yesterday. 

So here are some of my favorite prints from 2012. It was difficult getting them to look the same as they do in person, but I think I got them pretty close.

My goal this semester is to make more interesting, better quality prints. Last time, I left my projects to the last minute and my negatives are sort of...boring. So if you see me without my camera after next week, you have my permission to scold me.

Seriously.

Work In Progress

So I looked back through my old posts this week and realized that my writing has deteriorated into a sort of list format with pictures. I don't tell stories anymore. I'm not really sure when that happened. In all honesty, I feel like I've been running out of stories to tell. It's ridiculous, I know.

Okay, so maybe I'm not running out of stories. I mean, every time I leave the house I have a new story. I think that over the past year or so I've fallen out of love with writing stories. I haven't been reading much either. Yet my whole existence is collecting stories; my own and from the people around me, so you can see how I've been having a bit of an existential crisis.

It has been a transition moving back home, more so than I thought it'd be. I've also been here for longer than I had anticipated. The past year has felt like being in limbo. I'm just waiting to move forward with school and time is stretching out so far I can't see my goals clearly anymore. When I moved back, I had a plan. These days I'm a little lost.

The point of all this (there is a point, I promise) is that I need to stop waiting around for things to happen. I need to keep my momentum even when things are up in the air. I also need to learn how to not let every broken heart completely devastate me, but that is another story.

On the bright side of all this, I have been drawing more. Granted it is mostly fan art of the comics I read, but its still art. At least I like to think so. I've been experimenting with my Prismacolor markers (though not as much as I'd like to), but I still have a ways before I'm comfortable with them.















As you can see, I've been mostly drawing sexy ladies. These things just happen. Especially since comics are filled with them. Anyway, I quite like how they turned out, despite the fact that markers are tough to use.

In other news about writing and projects, I decided to write a graphic novel that will be illustrated by my very talented friend Blair  and lettered by Yano (even though he knows we won't be able to pay him). The working title is Delirium, and I am pretty excited. I'll post more info as we progress. 

So yeah! Gold stars for me posting on time. Now I am off to a magical night of geek trivia and beer. 

Thanks for the support everyone~

Back from Hiatus

I am a little embarrassed at the state of my blog. Never before have I gone such a long time without posting.

It's been six months.

Six months.

I can't even think of a valid excuse to why it has been so long. All I can say is that a lot of life stuff happened and my brain stopped being able to process my experiences into writing. No, I'm serious. I took a Creative Writing class this last semester and wrote one poem. And it was a breakup poem. Yeah, pretty bad, I know.

So what was I doing the last part of 2013?

Well...

I finally got the coveted winner's badge.

 

I transformed my bedroom. 

I painted.

I baked some amazing things.

(except the cupcakes with hearts, those are Jenny's)

Spent some quality time with my brother.

And got a bow for Christmas. 

Six months is a lot of time. I had quite a few adventures and some disappointments. There were many lessons to be learned (such as how difficult DIY home projects are or don't forget to send in your transcripts) and too many tears (no, you don't get examples). It was clear that I needed some time to hide inside myself, but now I am ready to move forward with my life.

Oh, and this blog too.

It might be a slow process, but I want to get back to posting every week. Even if it is just the crappy fan art I've been doing lately. 

So here is to picking up the pieces and changing my story.