I don't expect to be the best at anything, but I'd like to be good at something. Anything, really. Some days I feel that I am falling short of being good at anything, except being the grumpiest person in the room. There's this lingering feeling that I'm not good enough. Not a good enough friend, employee, family member, person. I don't even know what standard I am trying to reach. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself. I always am.
For example, grade for Spring semester were finally posted on Friday. What was first elation that I managed to pass all my classes now has settled into reflection of all the things I could have done better.
My grades are really good. I have to keep reminding myself that not only am I at a university for the first time, I am also commuting for the first time and having to battle my anxiety on a grander scale than I ever have before. It was a miracle that I made it through my first year at SF State in one piece, let alone with a 3.65 GPA.
I have been trying to be better at self-care, but I keep leaving out the part where I am kind to myself. I forget to celebrate my victories and forgive my mistakes. I dwell way too long on my failures and flaws. I mean, I do allow myself guilty pleasures, such as living in my new Alkaline Trio shirt for a week straight.
I really need to wash it.
I allow myself days where I don't get dressed and zone out on TV shows without (much) judgement. I don't beat myself up too bad for missing social things when I can't muster the courage to go out. So I am getting better at taking days to decompress, but I really need to remember to think kindly of myself. To internalize all the encouragement and support I give to others. I need to practice self-love more than just self-care.
So in an attempt of self-love (and to be brave and proud of my creations), here is a poem I wrote a couple months ago for an assignment. Those of you that know me know that I don't often share my poetry, but I'm thinking I should change that. I know at least one person enjoyed this poem, so who knows? maybe others will too.
Jump Ship
Last night, you
climbed over the railing, you
struck the water like an anchor, but you
sunk faster, pulled down into the abyss, you
trailed sheer fabric, a glittering fish drowning, you
waited until the moment when I couldn’t reach, you
twisted in the water, all grace and sorrow, you
down, down, below, you
breathed darkness
For all your talk of how bad your poetry was, I expected one of two things; either your poems really were bad, or you were just being harsh on yourself and they're actually quite good. I can honestly say it's the latter. Granted, this is the only one I have read, but if it's any indication, you have nothing to hide, and nothing to criticize.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Joel. I have been working on my poetry the past couple years and have come a long way. I'm definitely going to be sharing more of it (as long as people don't mind sad poems).
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