Clarity

Showing up every day to write is difficult. Very difficult. But it is my job, right? I chose to be a writer, out of all the things I could've been. Well, to say I chose it wouldn't be entirely true. It is part of me. I can't survive without expressing myself on the page. If I don't write, I feel disconnected. It's how I process this big confusing world.

Even still, writing every day is hard. Some days I can only dribble out a few awful sentences. But some days I find that one sentence or phrase that resonates. One that longs to be something bigger. This week it was, "the ravens are calling." I have no idea what it means, but it stuck. I think it needs to be part of poem.

I've been working on showing up to write every day. I date my entries so I know what days I miss. It's not going great, but it's a process and I'm at least writing more than once a week. It's something.

Being out of school is fantastic because I have all this free time to do things that I love. I've been spending more time at the comic shop. I finally have been setting up our website and figuring out twitter so we can build our online presence. The downfall of all this free time is the inevitable self reflection that comes with it. Suddenly I have all this time to think.

 And I have time to get new glasses! 

(it's only been eight years...)

Remember all that talk of being kinder to myself? I'm trying, I really am. Every day I am dispelling the constant, "you aren't good enough, your life is a mess" thoughts that float through my head.

My life isn't a mess. I am loved. I have value. I can show up every day and write, even if it is a page on nonsense, because sometimes the ravens call and I find the little things that will grow into something bigger.

Still Learning

 Do you ever have days where you feel like you can't do anything right?

I don't expect to be the best at anything, but I'd like to be good at something. Anything, really. Some days I feel that I am falling short of being good at anything, except being the grumpiest person in the room. There's this lingering feeling that I'm not good enough. Not a good enough friend, employee, family member, person. I don't even know what standard I am trying to reach. I know I'm probably being too hard on myself. I always am.


For example, grade for Spring semester were finally posted on Friday. What was first elation that I managed to pass all my classes now has settled into reflection of all the things I could have done better.

 

My grades are really good. I have to keep reminding myself that not only am I at a university for the first time, I am also commuting for the first time and having to battle my anxiety on a grander scale than I ever have before. It was a miracle that I made it through my first year at SF State in one piece, let alone with a 3.65 GPA. 

I have been trying to be better at self-care, but I keep leaving out the part where I am kind to myself. I forget to celebrate my victories and forgive my mistakes. I dwell way too long on my failures and flaws. I mean, I do allow myself guilty pleasures, such as living in my new Alkaline Trio shirt for a week straight. 

I really need to wash it.

I allow myself days where I don't get dressed and zone out on TV shows without (much) judgement. I don't beat myself up too bad for missing social things when I can't muster the courage to go out. So I am getting better at taking days to decompress, but I really need to remember to think kindly of myself. To internalize all the encouragement and support I give to others. I need to practice self-love more than just self-care. 

So in an attempt of self-love (and to be brave and proud of my creations), here is a poem I wrote a couple months ago for an assignment. Those of you that know me know that I don't often share my poetry, but I'm thinking I should change that. I know at least one person enjoyed this poem, so who knows? maybe others will too.

Jump Ship

Last night, you

climbed over the railing, you

struck the water like an anchor, but you

sunk faster, pulled down into the abyss, you

trailed sheer fabric, a glittering fish drowning, you

waited until the moment when I couldn’t reach, you

twisted in the water, all grace and sorrow, you

down, down, below, you

breathed darkness

Return From the Dead

I don't quite know what happened to this blog the past year. No wait, I do know. School happened. But now that I've survived my first year at SF State, I can breathe a little and go back to the things that I love doing (e.g. writing this blog).

I've learned a lot this past year, about writing and about myself. I learned that I can still complete papers even after complete meltdowns. I learned how to manage my anxiety when I feel myself shutting down. I learned how to call myself a writer with confidence. I've also learned about my intense love for well crafted short stories. It's been a good, albeit difficult, year.

As much as I planned to be lazy this summer, I can't help but be a little productive. So last week I started a writer's group at the shop. It seems to be going well so far. I'm excited about bringing together a community for local writers and learning from them. 

I find it strange how I keep putting myself in positions of leadership, since I still have a hard time being outgoing and social. I guess it's not that surprising since I'm getting more and more involved at Comics FTW. I'm proud of myself for doing it anyway, but I really need to make sure I take days to recover.Who knows? Maybe I will get used to it after a while, maybe my social anxiety will wane.

I'm hoping that the writing group will keep me motivated to update regularly. I gave them permission to yell at me if I hadn't posted by next moth, but my real goal is to get back to weekly. I just need to remember how to collect stories and anecdotes like I used to, as well as document my adventures, even the small ones.

So look for new adventures!

Portfolio Part 1

It's July, which means it's time for another crazy month of writing. This time I will be working on my graphic novel script, Delirium. It also means I will be more scatter-brained and busy, so I won't have any long winded blog posts. Sorry guys. 

Instead, here is half of my photography portfolio since I've been promising it for weeks now. These landscapes were paired with a series of self portraits, some of which I have already posted. I know that both landscapes and self portraits can be rather boring, but I'd like to think I took a more interesting approach. 

I got really good feedback on these, so hopefully you all enjoy them as well. 

Wish me luck on writing a script! I'm about 600 words into it so far. It's not the best, but it's a start~

Practice makes perfect, right?

I'm learning that I can't make everyone happy. Not only is it impossible, but it is not my job. That is not to say that I am giving up on being kind, I'm just realizing I can't keep sacrificing my happiness for the sake of others. It is so easy to fall into a routine of selfless acts that I don't even notice that it is making me miserable. Why should I go out of my way for people who hardly return the favor? I shouldn't.

I've never minded helping people. In fact, it makes me feel awesome, but in order to help people that I love, I really need to take care of myself as well. Self care shouldn't feel selfish to me.

So as I spend the rest of the summer recharging before I transfer to SF State (!!!), I'm working on learning how to be a little more kind to myself.

I should also write more (yes, I know, I always say that) and finish my painting.

It has just been sitting on my desk. 

Oh man, the more I look at it the more disproportionate it seems. 

The crazy thing about this summer is how busy I've been. I think this is the first day I sat around in my pajamas and did nothing. It is glorious. I need to do this more often. Now that I only have two random jobs instead of three, I anticipate having slightly more free time. 

Some time this week I will upload my photography portfolio. I know I'm super behind on that. In the meantime the photos above are the infamous hair cutting sequence. I wish I would've gotten a hold on a dagger or something, but they came out well. 

And because I haven't posted in two months, here is a bonus photo of Lily:

This girl is so photogenic. 

Fat Unicorns and Other Discoveries

So I've fallen in love with fat unicorns. For a couple weeks, it was been my only contribution to Art Night at the shop. I'm not sure how or why it happened, but it seems to be helping my mood. Somehow.

Or maybe Art Night is helping. Every Wednesday an assortment of artists hangout, drink beer and doodle on a giant sheet of paper. A couple weeks ago the power went out about an hour into our session. Without skipping a beat we all pulled out flashlights and cell phones to light up our area. It was amazing (and also the reason the picture above is so dark).

Sometimes I draw things and someone else colors it or vice-versa. I'm not even sure what the spooky monster on the left was originally supposed to be, but I went crazy with oil pastels.

I think that sometimes I get so caught up in my head that I don't realize things aren't as bad as they seem. Everyday activities were becoming unbearable and overwhelming. There were days that I had to talk myself into getting out of bed. I know that everyone goes through this at some point. Thankfully, mine seems to be over. 

And I am so thankful that I have the shop to keep me busy on days that I feel useless. No matter how terrible my mood is, I always manage to pull myself together when I'm there. Honestly, hanging out and working at Comics FTW has pretty much helped me change my life into something I could live with after "the breakup". Not to mention it helped me make new friends. 

Friends that take me to awesome antique shops. 

(I really wanted that horse)

So I guess life just works out sometimes. You just have to be patient and wait out the crappy parts~

Oh! I almost forgot. My munchkin turned two this week! 

And she just keeps getting more awesome every day.

Overwhelmed with Life

This photo sums up my mood. 

I wish I could say that I have been feeling less overwhelmed lately. Or that I've been putting more effort into my photography. Or that I love my painting class. Alas, I cannot. 

I don't know what it is about the month before Spring that weighs me down. February has always been my least favorite month. Maybe it's because of Valentine's Day and all the fake sugary ideas of romance. Maybe it brings up old memories that wash me out. It's difficult to pin the cause.

It seems as though this crummy mood has bled into March. You know you're having a hard time keeping it together when your professor patiently listens to you explain that you won't have the assignment completed in time and she pats your arm, while saying, "Don't worry about it". Yeah, I must look like a mess.

However, I think that when I do complete my portrait assignment, it is going to be awesome. Hopefully.

But there are good things on the horizon.

The ever lovely Blair has been working on character sketches for our graphic novel Delirium.

Mischievous Doran.  

Which means, that I really need to get that script together. 

Honestly, I think I just need to make a schedule for myself. Right now my work hours are all over the place, so it's difficult to keep on top of things. Things like homework and writing. I haven't even been able to find time to read for pleasure. 

Starting next week I'll be working Saturdays at the shop, so maybe that will help me manage my time better. Not that I have been completely wasting my time. 

I've been doing cool stuff like this...

So maybe I just need to throw myself into these creative projects that surround me and ignore all the other crap that is going on. Creation always brightens me up.