Reflection

October was a strange month. 

I fell into a slump, I couldn't find the words to communicate my feelings. I couldn't even write about it. I felt myself drifting farther from the people who love me. I could see it, but I couldn't stop it. 

My birthday weekend was filled with complicated emotions. I celebrated with a friend, wanting to keep it quiet. I saw the Icelandic band, Of Monsters and Men, who sang about nature and heartbreak. I ate pie at midnight. The next night I drank too much. 

I woke up in the morning to my beloved cat, Boogie, fighting death to spend his last breath with me. Still a little drunk, I cried and murmured "my sweet boy" until it felt like I got to say goodbye. It was a death I was not prepared for. 

After the family get together, I dug him a grave in the back yard, next to the chicken coop. The ground was hard from the drought, I had to use a post hole digger to loosen the dirt. I dug until my arms shook, until my shoulders burned. I dug through sobs and sore hands. Mom came out with a flashlight after the sun went down. We planted a butterfly bush on top of him. Somehow, losing him was more heartbreaking than the others. 

I was glad that I buried him on my own. The pain from digging felt good, felt right. I got to say goodbye properly. And somehow, his death brought me back. At least, it started to.

The next week I saw Florence and the Machine at the Greek Theater. I cried happy tears, overwhelmed by the positive force of her voice. It seems that music and death were the forces I needed to get back to myself. 

I still feel myself slipping sometimes. There are days when I feel like it's all meaningless. But I'm slowly becoming more human. I can see beauty in things, I can smile (most of the time), and I'm starting to love people again.  

So to everyone, thank you, for being patient with me if I've seemed distant or moody. I promise, I'm trying to turn things around.